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Overcome the Fear of Abandonment and Have a Healthy Relationship

 

by Michelle Skeen

ExpertBeacon

 

If you struggle with a fear of abandonment, you may be profoundly aware of it or you may have a nagging feeling that it’s impacting your relationships and your life. Now, you want some tips for how to deal with the fear in ways that will bring you closer to the healthy, loving relationship that you deserve.

 

Do:

  • identify the past experiences that resulted in your fear of abandonment
  • identify your patterns of behavior that are pushing people away rather than bringing them closer
  • identify situations that trigger your fear of abandonment
  • identify types of people that you are drawn to who may be toxic for you
  • be mindful in your interactions with others

Don’t:

  • beat yourself up when you make a mistake
  • keep your stories about abandonment alive
  • deny parts of yourself and your past
  • hide yourself from others
  • stay stuck in the past

Do:

 

Do identify the past experiences that resulted in your fear of abandonment

In order to move forward, it’s important to visit the past–not to dwell or ruminate, but to bring awareness to what is driving your current behavior. It is important to recognize that you are reacting to past experiences that were largely out of your control.

 

Do identify your patterns of behavior that are pushing people away rather than bringing them closer

Usually these behaviors are so automatic that we don’t even think about them. Take the time to stop and think about how you react when you fear someone is pulling away. Then you can take recognize your impulse to engage in the behavior before you act on it.

 

Do identify situations that trigger your fear of abandonment

Again, bring awareness to what is happening in your interactions with others. Do you panic when you don’t receive an immediate response to a text, email or voicemail, fearing that you are being left or rejected?

 

Do identify types of people that you are drawn to who may be toxic for you

If you have a fear of abandonment there are types of people who will be toxic for you like–the abandoner, the abuser, the depriver, the devastator, and the critic. These people are not healthy relationship material for you.

 

Do be mindful in your interactions with others

It’s important that you stay in the moment when you are interacting with others. When your fear of abandonment gets triggered, it’s easy to get transported back to the past and engage in behaviors that are unhelpful.

 

Don’t:

 

Do not beat yourself up when you make a mistake

Treat yourself with compassion. You deserve it. When you make a mistake–and you will–acknowledge the mistake without judgment, accept the pain without struggle, care about yourself, and comfort yourself.

 

Do not keep your stories about abandonment alive

Stay in the moment with your experience rather than using it to keep your stories (which are real and painful) alive or to fuel your catastrophic stories about the future (e.g.“no one will ever love me”).

 

Do not deny parts of yourself and your past

Accepting yourself as you are is important. You must accept that you had painful experiences in your childhood and adolescence, accept that you might have more relationship challenges because of your fear of abandonment, and accept that there is an alternative to blaming yourself or others.

 

Do not hide yourself from others

You have probably spent most of your adult life hiding your vulnerabilities from others. Just the thought of revealing them might trigger feeling of fear or shame. Effective self-disclosure is an important part of developing healthy and lasting relationships.

 

Do not stay stuck in the past

When we are in pain, it is difficult to let go of the sources of our pain. If you are attached to the experiences that caused you pain, it will keep you from engaging in new patterns of behavior that will bring you closer to the healthy and lasting relationships that you deserve.

 

Summary

 

Fear of abandonment is very real and powerful. Recognizing its power over you and your behavior is the first step in dealing with the undeniable pull to protect yourself. It is possible to create a new relationship with yourself, your fear of abandonment, your story, and your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors by committing to the changes that you can make to enhance your life and create the lasting, loving relationships that you desire.

 

Read it on ExpertBeacon

 

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Warning Signs That the Man You Are Dating Is Not Right for You

 

by Michelle Skeen

ExpertBeacon

 

We are usually so excited to meet someone new and begin dating that we can often and easily overlook qualities and traits that are barriers to the healthy, loving relationship that we deserve. It’s important to give everyone the benefit of the doubt during the “getting to know you” process. We can all have an off day or a bad date, but most people are going to be on their best behavior during the early stages of dating. With that in mind, take note of these patterns of behavior that are warning signs that he’s not right for you.

 

Do:

  • look for patterns of behavior that are deal breakers for you
  • implement the three strikes and you’re out rule
  • look for signs that your values are compatible
  • keep your expectations realistic
  • use this experience to learn more about yourself

Don’t:

  • date a black-and-white thinker
  • forget to be wary of the Don Juan
  • date an externalizer
  • get involved with the “Ex” Talker
  • date the Idealizer

 

Do:

 

Do look for patterns of behavior that are deal breakers for you

Keep a list of behaviors that give you cause for concern. If he shows patterns of being unpredictable (cancels plans, changes plans), unstable (changes friends frequently, no solid base), or unavailable, then he’s not the guy for you. Take note of the absolute deal breakers when finding a mate and don’t deviate.

 

Do implement the three strikes and you’re out rule

Use the three strikes and you’re out rule for eliminating the wrong guys before you get too invested. Keep track of the consistent toxic behaviors that will create roadblocks to a healthy loving relationship.

 

Do look for signs that your values are compatible

One of the important components of a healthy, loving and lasting relationship is to be with a partner who shares your values. If you value health and fitness and he is a big party guy who doesn’t go a night without drinking, it’s not going to be a great match for you in the long-term. In order to be a good match, you have to be compatible.

 

Do keep your expectations realistic

Dating someone new is an exciting experience, but expectations can be high when there is a lack of knowledge about the other person. It’s easy to fill that void with what you hope is true. Stay in the moment, and keep your expectations realistic.

 

Do use this experience to learn more about yourself

The dating world is filled with ambiguity and uncertainty. But, you can use this time to learn more about yourself. That increased knowledge will help you navigate your interactions with awareness.

 

Don’t:

 

Do not date a black-and-white thinker

This guy views everything in extremes and he has strong opinions about everything. He tends to not be very understanding about opinions that differ from his. He will leave you feeling devalued when you have opinions that differ from his.

 

Do not forget to be wary of the Don Juan

This guy is constantly flirting and engaging other people when you are together. He requires too much attention to be satisfied with one person. He will leave you feeling not good enough.

 

Do not date an externalizer

This guy blames everyone else for what happens to him. For instance, he might say, “The cop was an idiot for giving me a speeding ticket,” while there is no mention of the fact that he was exceeding the speed limit. In time, this guy will be blaming you instead of himself for his own mistakes.

Do not get involved with the “Ex” Talker

This guy cannot stop talking about his ex. According to him, his ex is the worst person alive. The ex is to blame for everything that went wrong in their relationship. This guy doesn’t take any shared responsibility when things go wrong in his relationships. Stick around and he’ll be blaming you too.

Do not date the Idealizer

This guy will put you on a pedestal and worship you. He can’t believe how perfect you are – the way you look, the things you say, everything you do. Unfortunately, it won’t be long before he’s knocking you off the pedestal when he struggles to come to terms with the fact that not everyone is perfect, and everyone has flaws.

 

Summary

 

Again, it’s important to recognize behaviors (toxic and healthy) as patterns–he engages in them with frequency. You want to be aware of behaviors that are barriers to creating the healthy, loving relationship that you want. And, you want to recognize behaviors that are compatible with yours. The early stages of dating are challenging because there is a lack of certainty. This can lead to fantasizing and making predictions – leaving the present and getting caught up in the future. Stay aware. Stay mindful. Stay in the moment.

 

Read it on ExpertBeacon

Michelle Skeen