This week on Relationships 2.0 my guest is Diane Kirschner author of Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love

About the book:

This week on Relationships 2.0 my guest host is Shawn T. Smith PsyD who interviewed me about my book Love Me Don’t Leave Me: Overcoming the Fear of Abandonment & Building Lasting, Loving Relationships

About the book: Everyone thrives on love, comfort, and the safety of family, friends, and community. But if you are denied these basic comforts early in life, whether through a lack of physical affection or emotional bonding, you may develop intense fears of abandonment that can last well into adulthood―fears so powerful that they can actually cause you to push people away. If you suffer from fears of abandonment, you may have underlying feelings of anger, shame, fear, anxiety, depression, and grief. These emotions are intense and painful, and when they surface they can lead to a number of negative behaviors, such as jealousy, clinging, and emotional blackmail. In Love Me, Don’t Leave Me, therapist Michelle Skeen combines acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), schema therapy, and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) to help you identify the root of your fears. In this book you’ll learn how schema coping behaviors―deeply entrenched and automatic behaviors rooted in childhood experiences and fears―can take over and cause you to inadvertently sabotage your relationships. By recognizing these coping behaviors and understanding their cause, you will not only gain powerful insights into your own mind, but also into the minds of those around you. If you are ready to break the self-fulfilling cycle of mistrust, clinginess, and heartbreak and start building lasting, trusting relationships, this book will be your guide.

About the author: Michelle Skeen, PsyD, has a doctorate in clinical psychology. She is author of seven books, all designed to enhance relationships by emphasizing the importance of identifying core values and valued intentions, limited thinking, mindfulness, self-compassion, empathy, and effective communication and conflict resolution skills. Her passion is coaching individuals in creating and maintaining healthy relationships by bringing awareness to obstacles (fears and beliefs), which often work unconsciously to limit connections with others. Michelle believes that an early introduction and education in core values and healthy communication are essential life skills for success. To that end, Michelle and her daughter, Kelly, coauthored Communication Skills for Teens and Just As You Are. Skeen completed her postdoctoral work at the University of California, San Francisco. She codeveloped an empirically validated protocol for the treatment of interpersonal problems that resulted in two books: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Interpersonal Problems and The Interpersonal Problems Workbook. Michelle’s work has appeared in more than thirty publications around the world. She hosts a weekly radio show called Relationships 2.0 with Dr. Michelle Skeen that airs nationally. To find out more, visit her website at www.michelleskeen.com.

This week on Relationships 2.0 my guests are Charlie and Linda Bloom authors of That Which Doesn’t Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places

About the book:

That Which Doesn’t Kill Us is the story of a couple’s ten-year journey that took them through a series of ordeals that crippled their family and nearly destroyed their marriage. Trained as psychotherapists and practicing relationship counselors, both Charlie and Linda found that their professional training wasn’t enough to liberate them from the challenges they encountered.

Alternating chapters, the authors illuminate the experiences they endured as well as the process that allowed them to finally heal from the damage caused by their prolonged period of stress and conflict. In the end, they were able to not only salvage their marriage; they also managed to establish a connection that brought their relationship a depth of intimacy, trust, and integrity far beyond what they had ever experienced before.

The process of their miraculous recovery is presented in vivid detail and reads like a riveting novel. The Blooms’ unfolding story provides the essential steps necessary to breathe life back into a failing marriage and move into a deep, loving connection that surpasses even the dreams that each partner had dared to hope to fulfill.

About the authors:

Linda Bloom LCSW and Charlie Bloom MSW are considered experts in the field of relationships. They have been married since 1972. They have both been trained as seminar leaders, therapists and relationships counselors and have been working with individuals, couples, and groups since 1975.

They have been featured presenters at numerous conferences, universities, and institutions of learning throughout the country and overseas as well. They are regular faculty members at the Esalen Institute, the Kripalu Center, the California Institute for Integral Studies, and many other learning facilities.

They have appeared on over two hundred radio and TV programs and are co-authors of their latest book, “Happily Ever After…and 39 Other Myths about Love: Breaking Through to the Relationship of Your Dreams”

This week on Relationships 2.0 my guest is Shawn T. Smith, PsyD author of The Tactical Guide to Women: How Men Can Manage Risk in Dating and Marriage.

About the book:

For men, love is a high-stakes gamble. The right woman can be the best part of a man’s life, and the wrong one can lead to personal and financial ruin. In today’s climate, no man should venture into romance without a reliable risk-management strategy.

The Tactical Guide to Women delivers a solid plan for allowing the right women into your life, and keeping the wrong ones at a safe distance. You’ll discover how to:

• Identify good women of low drama and high character
• Reduce your vulnerability to women who seem perfect for you—but aren’t
• Spot the early warning signs of emotional instability

You’ll also learn:

• Critical techniques for seeing women clearly
• The most common mistakes that lead men into disastrous relationships
• How to reduce the odds of a good relationship going bad

Impeccably researched and backed by the author’s decade of clinical experience, The Tactical Guide to Women provides men with desperately needed, rarely discussed strategies for finding sanity, joy, and companionship. This is not another book about getting laid. This book is about not getting screwed.

About the author:

Shawn Smith is a clinical psychologist in Denver, Colorado and the author of five psychology books. He also writes a blog at docsmith.co, where he has answered important questions such as: Can dogs learn to read? Why do I feel amorous when I have a cold? Is my ex possessed? Shawn’s writing is light-hearted, impeccably researched, and always useful.

This week on Relationships 2.0 my guest is Victoria Price author of The Way Of Being Lost: A Road Trip to My Truest Self

About the book:

After a tumultuous period of crisis, Victoria Price rebuilt her life by embracing a daily practice of joy, healing childhood wounds and reconnecting to the example set by her father Vincent, the famed actor. Her journey involved stepping away from externalities and into her father’s legacy — his love for people and compassion for others, his generosity of spirit and simple kindnesses, his enthusiasm for new experiences, and his love of life.
“As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to understand that every day, in everything we do, we have a choice — between expanding into our lives or contracting into our fears, into saying Yes! to life … or saying No,” Victoria observes. This intimate and inspiring book shares the lessons learned from a powerful family heritage of remaining curious, giving back, and saying Yes. Join her as she shares the stories, experiences, and lessons that led her back to her truest self, including her lifesaving daily practice of joy.

About the author:

Victoria Price is the author of the critically acclaimed Vincent Price: A Daughter’s Biography. A popular inspirational speaker on topics ranging from art collecting and design to creativity and spirituality, as well as the life of her famous father, Price has appeared on Good Morning America, A&E’s Biography, and NPR’s Fresh Air and Morning Edition. Her work has been featured in USA Today, People, Travel & Leisure, Art & Auction, and The New York Times.

Women’s Health

by Anna Breslaw

First comes love… then comes a tsunami of what-ifs. Your first relationship is like no other, which is why its shadow lingers and shapes every romance that follows. How do you make peace with those memories—and is there such a thing as a second chance?

When artist Rora Blue asked a single Q—”What would you say to the first person you fell for?”—those were three of the 34,000 responses she received. The messages became a Web installation called The Unsent Project, which continues to grow. Why the lasting intensity? “It’s called primacy,” says Jennifer Talarico, Ph.D., a cognitive psychologist at Lafayette College in Easton, Pennsylvania. “Memories of a first experience are more vivid than similar events that come later.” Like baby ducks thinking a dust mop is “mom,” a part of you can’t shake that imprint of “partner”—enticing some to toy with (or even act on) rejoining that partner years later. Read on for intel on how to live with the enduring presence of the one who taught you about love, good and bad.

LASTING IMPRESSION: ALISON*, 24

She still uses her high school boyfriend’s nickname and birthday for her Web passwords—seven years after they broke up. “I lost my virginity to him,” Alison says. “It was New Year’s Eve, with literal fireworks going off in the background. Cheesy, but awesome.” Beyond the fact that sex releases a surge of oxytocin and dopamine, first sex partners also play a key role in developing our identities, says Michelle Skeen, Psy.D., author of Love Me, Don’t Leave Me. “She became a sexual being with him, and he was the first person to reflect that new self back to her.”

Now Alison is “happily settled in a relationship with the person I know is The One”—and yet, paradoxically, she still thinks about her first and secretly hopes she might run into him someday and get coffee together. “He just left such an impression on my heart. Even though I haven’t spoken to him in ages and probably never will, I feel like I’ve been permanently molded by him.” Skeen’s response? First, change those passwords, which keep memories of the ex alive. “When we’re continually looking back at the past, it impacts the present.” Research bears out the dangers: A new Kansas State University study of 7,000 couples shows that the more accepting people were of their partners being in touch with former flames on social media, the more harmful it was to their relationship—partly because it can create a “slippery slope” of temptation during difficult times.

The other problem with musing about him is that it’s too easy to embellish the past, especially when you’re feeling ticked off at your SO. “Remembering something isn’t like replaying a video,” says Talarico. Instead, she explains, it’s a process of reconstruction. The basic elements stay the same, but you put them together a bit differently each time. So for instance, a trip you shared that had real moments of conflict can seem, in gauzy retrospect, like one long romantic high.

UNFINISHED BUSINESS: SANDRA, 30

When she was 18, a college sophomore studying abroad at Cambridge, Sandra met her first boyfriend; he was British and 22. “Ever since then I’ve thought that this is how love should feel—like a force of nature greater than yourself,” she recalls. When she returned to the States, they kept it up long-distance for a year. “We planned our future together, from the apartment we’d share to the daughter we were sure we’d have, named Chloe.” Sandra was blindsided when he broke up with her right before her graduation, saying he needed to focus on his career. “For weeks, I lay in bed hardly eating or sleeping,” she says. “I fell into a deep well of self-loathing—I felt like the only logical conclusion was that I was so horrible, a man wouldn’t want to be with me.”

The intensity of Sandra’s anguish actually has a neurological basis, says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., anthropologist and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University in Bloomington. Fisher analyzed the brains of people who’ve been dumped, using an fMRI scanner, and found that when they thought about their former love, they experienced a “brain explosion” that targeted areas linked to cravings, addiction, and physical pain. That chemical storm can lead to a sense of unfinished business—even, as in Sandra’s case, a decade later.

“I’ve had plenty of passionate romances since then, but have never felt consumed like that,” she says. And she may never again, says Skeen: “When we’re younger, we’re much more emotional, and we haven’t been burned yet.” So we enter into the relationship at full speed, and with very little self-protection. Sandra still occasionally dreams about him, and she wonders if meeting up with him once would break the spell. But what haunts her, says Skeen, “is not so much the loss of him, but the visceral memory of her hurt, younger self.” Skeen advises a dose of self-compassion. “Her 30-year-old self is judging the 18-year-old she once was. I would have her write a letter to that younger self, saying, ‘Look, you were only 18. You didn’t have all the answers, so don’t beat up on yourself.’ “

ANOTHER SHOT: LORI AND JOHN, 51 AND 53

They dated innocently in high school, at ages 15 and 17: no sex, just lots of time together. Then her family moved, and despite love letters and phone calls, they eventually lost touch—but neither ever forgot the other, even though both married other people. “I dreamed of John so many times,” says Lori. “And I wished my husband was like John, who became the epitome of who I thought a man and husband should be.”

These long-lasting memories are due to a “reminiscence bump,” says Talarico; you tend to recall best the life events that occurred from ages 15 to 30, perhaps because those years contain the bulk of our first experiences. When Lori’s unhappy marriage broke up, she tracked down John online and found out he was also divorced. They talked on the phone that night, and soon after they were Skyping daily. Eighteen months later, they got engaged. Says Lori, “I felt compelled to find the kind of love I knew before.”

Will it last the second time around? Two circumstances can improve your odds of success, says Nancy Kalish, Ph.D., author of Lost & Found Lovers, and Lori and John fit both: having met at age 22 or younger, and breaking up because of “situational factors,” like a move, rather than core disagreements. Kalish’s 20 years of research show that three-quarters of reuniting couples will stay together long-term—if both parties are single when they reconnect. “Many people who reunite say their ‘lost love’ became the ‘standard for all the rest,’” she says. “It’s not just nostalgia, or sex, or an unresolved issue. It’s real love.”

*All names and identifying details have been changed.

Read it on Women’s Health

This week on Relationships 2.0 my guest is Ira Israel author of How To Survive Your Childhood Now That You’re An Adult: A Path to Authenticity and Awakening

About the book:

As children, we learned to get approval by creating facades to help us get our emotional and psychological needs met, but we also rebelled against authority as a way of individuating. As adults, these conflicting desires leave many of us feeling anxious or depressed because our authentic selves are buried deep beneath glitzy or rebellious exteriors or some combination thereof. In this provocative book, eclectic teacher and therapist Ira Israel offers a powerful, comprehensive, step-by-step path to recognizing the ways of being that we created as children and transcending them with compassion and acceptance. By doing so, we discover our true callings and cultivate the authentic love we were born deserving.

About the author:

Psychotherapist Ira Israel graduated from the University of Pennsylvania and has graduate degrees in philosophy, religious studies, and psychology. He leads workshops at the Esalen Institute and throughout the United States and has a private practice in Santa Monica, California.

This week on Relationships 2.0 my guest is Armin A. Zadeh, MD, PhD author of The Forgotten Art of Love: What Love Means and Why It Matters

About the book:

Cardiologist and professor Armin Zadeh revisits psychologist Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving, a book that has fascinated him for decades. The Forgotten Art of Love examines love in its complex entirety — through the lenses of biology, philosophy, history, religion, sociology, and economics — to fill in critical voids in Fromm’s classic work and to provide a contemporary understanding of love. This unique and wide-ranging book looks at love’s crucial role in every aspect of human existence, exploring what love has to do with sex, spirituality, society, and the meaning of life; different kinds of love (for our children, for our neighbors); and whether love is a matter of luck or an art that can be mastered. Dr. Zadeh provides a fascinating, empowering guide to enhancing relationships and happiness — concluding with a provocative vision for firmly anchoring love in our society.

About the author:

Armin  Zadeh, MD, PhD, MPH, is a professor at Johns Hopkins University. He has authored more than one hundred scientific articles and is an editor of scholarly books in medicine. He is a regular speaker at national and international scientific meetings and directs educational events around the world.

As a cardiologist and scientist, Dr. Zadeh experiences the relationship between the mind and the matter on a daily basis.  The loss of love can literally cause a broken heart — a form of severe heart disease. Love is the central force of life and its influence on human wellbeing and happiness is not adequately considered.

The art of medicine requires insights from various disciplines, including biology, psychology, physics, chemistry, and also philosophy. Drawing from his background and experience, Dr. Zadeh has used his skills in the analysis and synthesis of complex data to formulate new concepts and hypotheses on love and to develop a framework to understand—and master—love.

Dr. Zadeh was born and educated in Düsseldorf, Germany, where he attended medical school. After initial postgraduate training in Germany and the United Kingdom, he came to the United States in 1995 to complete his education and training in medicine, public health, and research. He is married and lives with his family in the United States.

This week on Relationships 2.0 my guest is Rebekah Freedom McClaskey author of Breakup Rehab: Creating the Love You Want

About the book:

Turn Your Pain from Breakup into an Opportunity to Grow toward True Love

After her devastating breakup, counselor Rebekah Freedom McClaskey became inspired by her work in the field of addiction recovery to craft a safe, step-by-step path to forging healthy relationships based on honesty, love, integrity, and trust. Breakup Rehab addresses post-breakup chaos, providing clarity and direction so that your next relationship will be your best relationship.

This wise, real-world, and often humorous guide acknowledges the state of grief or resignation that comes with a breakup and then walks you through the stages of forgiveness and letting go. Along the way, you’ll experience a more compassionate self-awareness as you rebuild self-confidence and learn how to be loved for who you truly are. These steps will propel you forward on your unique path, as you recognize your life’s purpose and then travel toward well-being and a love that will set you free.

About the author:

Rebekah Freedom McClaskey is a breakup specialist whose private practice focuses on helping clients get what they want out of life and love. She lives in Southern California.

A guided tour through the body’s innate healing powers

Many of us have learned to ignore, deny, or even mistrust the wise messages our bodies give us. The result is that when trauma strikes, a time when we need every aspect of our beings to master the challenge, we may find ourselves disconnected from our greatest strengths. Suzanne Scurlock-Durana, who has spent thirty years studying the gifts of the body and teaching thousands how to reclaim them, began to recognize this strength, which she likens to a GPS, when she herself experienced a life-threatening trauma. Here she walks readers through different areas of the body, revealing the wisdom they hold and how to reconnect with that wisdom. As she shows in this warm, compassionate book, the body’s abilities are always available; we must simply reconnect with them.