This week on Relationships 2.0 my guest host is Shawn T. Smith PsyD who interviewed me about my book Love Me Don’t Leave Me: Overcoming the Fear of Abandonment & Building Lasting, Loving Relationships

About the book: Everyone thrives on love, comfort, and the safety of family, friends, and community. But if you are denied these basic comforts early in life, whether through a lack of physical affection or emotional bonding, you may develop intense fears of abandonment that can last well into adulthood―fears so powerful that they can actually cause you to push people away. If you suffer from fears of abandonment, you may have underlying feelings of anger, shame, fear, anxiety, depression, and grief. These emotions are intense and painful, and when they surface they can lead to a number of negative behaviors, such as jealousy, clinging, and emotional blackmail. In Love Me, Don’t Leave Me, therapist Michelle Skeen combines acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), schema therapy, and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) to help you identify the root of your fears. In this book you’ll learn how schema coping behaviors―deeply entrenched and automatic behaviors rooted in childhood experiences and fears―can take over and cause you to inadvertently sabotage your relationships. By recognizing these coping behaviors and understanding their cause, you will not only gain powerful insights into your own mind, but also into the minds of those around you. If you are ready to break the self-fulfilling cycle of mistrust, clinginess, and heartbreak and start building lasting, trusting relationships, this book will be your guide.

About the author: Michelle Skeen, PsyD, has a doctorate in clinical psychology. She is author of seven books, all designed to enhance relationships by emphasizing the importance of identifying core values and valued intentions, limited thinking, mindfulness, self-compassion, empathy, and effective communication and conflict resolution skills. Her passion is coaching individuals in creating and maintaining healthy relationships by bringing awareness to obstacles (fears and beliefs), which often work unconsciously to limit connections with others. Michelle believes that an early introduction and education in core values and healthy communication are essential life skills for success. To that end, Michelle and her daughter, Kelly, coauthored Communication Skills for Teens and Just As You Are. Skeen completed her postdoctoral work at the University of California, San Francisco. She codeveloped an empirically validated protocol for the treatment of interpersonal problems that resulted in two books: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Interpersonal Problems and The Interpersonal Problems Workbook. Michelle’s work has appeared in more than thirty publications around the world. She hosts a weekly radio show called Relationships 2.0 with Dr. Michelle Skeen that airs nationally. To find out more, visit her website at www.michelleskeen.com.

This week on Relationships 2.0 my guest is Ann E. Grant, JD author of The Divorce Hacker’s Guide to Untying the Knot: What Every Woman Needs to Know about Finances, Child Custody, Lawyers, and Planning Ahead

About the book:

Family law attorney Ann Grant presents the practical information every woman needs to protect herself as she navigates through a divorce. Feelings of loss, grief, and rage are common during divorce. But one of the most debilitating feelings experienced by women going through divorce is paralyzing impotence. Grant will help you take back your power and rights concerning finances, home, children, and work life. With compassion, insight, and tough-minded realism, she breaks down the process and provides step-by-step assessments, checklists, and inspiring stories of successful lives post-divorce. Her goal is to give you insider information that will not only make your divorce “successful” but also establish your life firmly and confidently on a positive, fresh new standing.

About the author:

Ann E. Grant, JD, began her career as a corporate litigator specializing in unfair business practices and consumer fraud. After her divorce, she created her own firm, focusing on family law and a holistic approach to this life transition. She lives and practices in Manhattan Beach, California.

This week on Relationships 2.0 my guests are Charlie and Linda Bloom authors of That Which Doesn’t Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places

About the book:

That Which Doesn’t Kill Us is the story of a couple’s ten-year journey that took them through a series of ordeals that crippled their family and nearly destroyed their marriage. Trained as psychotherapists and practicing relationship counselors, both Charlie and Linda found that their professional training wasn’t enough to liberate them from the challenges they encountered.

Alternating chapters, the authors illuminate the experiences they endured as well as the process that allowed them to finally heal from the damage caused by their prolonged period of stress and conflict. In the end, they were able to not only salvage their marriage; they also managed to establish a connection that brought their relationship a depth of intimacy, trust, and integrity far beyond what they had ever experienced before.

The process of their miraculous recovery is presented in vivid detail and reads like a riveting novel. The Blooms’ unfolding story provides the essential steps necessary to breathe life back into a failing marriage and move into a deep, loving connection that surpasses even the dreams that each partner had dared to hope to fulfill.

About the authors:

Linda Bloom LCSW and Charlie Bloom MSW are considered experts in the field of relationships. They have been married since 1972. They have both been trained as seminar leaders, therapists and relationships counselors and have been working with individuals, couples, and groups since 1975.

They have been featured presenters at numerous conferences, universities, and institutions of learning throughout the country and overseas as well. They are regular faculty members at the Esalen Institute, the Kripalu Center, the California Institute for Integral Studies, and many other learning facilities.

They have appeared on over two hundred radio and TV programs and are co-authors of their latest book, “Happily Ever After…and 39 Other Myths about Love: Breaking Through to the Relationship of Your Dreams”

This week on Relationships 2.0 my guest is Shawn T. Smith, PsyD author of The Tactical Guide to Women: How Men Can Manage Risk in Dating and Marriage.

About the book:

For men, love is a high-stakes gamble. The right woman can be the best part of a man’s life, and the wrong one can lead to personal and financial ruin. In today’s climate, no man should venture into romance without a reliable risk-management strategy.

The Tactical Guide to Women delivers a solid plan for allowing the right women into your life, and keeping the wrong ones at a safe distance. You’ll discover how to:

• Identify good women of low drama and high character
• Reduce your vulnerability to women who seem perfect for you—but aren’t
• Spot the early warning signs of emotional instability

You’ll also learn:

• Critical techniques for seeing women clearly
• The most common mistakes that lead men into disastrous relationships
• How to reduce the odds of a good relationship going bad

Impeccably researched and backed by the author’s decade of clinical experience, The Tactical Guide to Women provides men with desperately needed, rarely discussed strategies for finding sanity, joy, and companionship. This is not another book about getting laid. This book is about not getting screwed.

About the author:

Shawn Smith is a clinical psychologist in Denver, Colorado and the author of five psychology books. He also writes a blog at docsmith.co, where he has answered important questions such as: Can dogs learn to read? Why do I feel amorous when I have a cold? Is my ex possessed? Shawn’s writing is light-hearted, impeccably researched, and always useful.

This week on Relationships 2.0 my guest is Erin Leyba, PhD author of Joy Fixes for Weary Parents: 101 Quick, Research-Based Ideas for Overcoming Stress and Building a Life You Love

About the book:

Modern parenting presents fresh challenges, including unrelenting time pressures, lack of support systems, and work demands, that often leave parents drained and worn-out. Erin Leyba, the mother of three young children, has been counseling parents on these issues for almost twenty years. She has developed techniques that help parents not only cope but also feel joy — in their parenting and in their relationships with their partners. Leyba draws from the latest research about child development, attachment, successful marriages, and mindfulness to create effective, doable solutions for balancing, simplifying, and communicating. She presents powerful tools that parents can use right away to de-stress, stay energized, and create more warmth and passion with loved ones. Whether new, veteran, overwhelmed, exhausted, or just interested in doing better than they are, parents will find proven help here.

About the author:

Erin Leyba, PhD, an individual and marriage counselor, specializes in helping parents of young children. In addition to her popular blogs, she speaks often to parenting and childcare groups. Leyba lives in the Chicago area.

This week on Relationships 2.0 my guest is Candace V. Love author of No More Narcissists!: How to Stop Choosing Self-Absorbed Men and Find the Love You Deserve

About the book:

Why do some women date, or even marry, narcissistic men—over and over? In this provocative book, a clinical psychologist and expert in narcissism offers 7 secrets to help women finally break free from their attraction to narcissistic men.

Do you keep finding yourself in relationships with narcissistic men? Is your boyfriend or husband solely focused on fulfilling their own needs and unable to see things from your perspective? If you’re tired of dealing with a self-absorbed partner and are ready to be treated with kindness, respect, and sensitivity, this book is for you.

In No More Narcissists!, psychologist Candace Love provides a road map for women to finally get the love they deserve. Using skills based in cognitive behavioral and schema therapy, you’ll gain an understanding of why you’re attracted to narcissistic men, how you can avoid being drawn in by a narcissist’s initial charm and magnetism, and how to heal so you can finally move on to healthy relationships.

You’ll find out how the basic principles of schema theory—core beliefs about ourselves and our environment that we acquire in childhood and adolescence—can play an important role in why you’re attracted to narcissists and seek them out. Also included are targeted exercises and techniques that will encourage you to examine your past relationships and take meaningful steps to promote self-care and healing.

Isn’t it time you broke the cycle of hurt, frustration, and pain that comes with loving a narcissist? This book will show you how to let go of these destructive relationships once and for all, love yourself unconditionally, and find the love you deserve.

About the author:

As a licensed clinical psychologist, Candace V. Love, PhD, is passionate about helping women avoid narcissistic relationships. As founder and president of North Shore Behavioral Medicine, which has offices in downtown Chicago and Grayslake, IL, Love uses evidence-based techniques derived from cognitive behavioral therapies, including mindfulness and schema therapy. Much of her spare time is divided between the least narcissistic of creatures—namely animals. She enjoys riding horses and rehabilitating feral cats in the woods behind her home, and indulging in the next foodie find—whether it be a gourmet meal, vintage wine, or craft beer.

This week on Relationships 2.0 my guest is Shawn T. Smith, author of Is He Worth It? How to Spot the Hidden Traits of Good Men.

About the book:

Where are the good men?

Good men are everywhere, and they are looking for terrific women. So why are they hard to find? And why do so many women make life-altering mistakes by choosing the wrong men?

The answer is distressingly simple. Good men don’t always know how to attract women, and women don’t always recognize good men. It’s as if there is a wall between the most compatible people.

But don’t despair! Is He Worth It? holds time-tested wisdom for spotting good men who are searching for great relationships. You’ll learn…

• The three pillars of a good man. Great relationships begin with the best raw material. Men of character possess these basic traits.
• The twelve-point man inspection. Men who succeed in relationships have the right tools for lasting romance. This quiz will help you evaluate his relationship readiness.
• Ten self-deceptions that lead to costly relationship errors. Life is too short to suffer through bad relationships. Find out how to avoid common mistakes women make when choosing men.

Written by a happily married man who is also a clinical psychologist, Is He Worth It? is a sweet celebration of romance, and it’s the perfect guide to finding love in these complex times.

About the author:

This week on Relationships 2.0 my guests are SARK and Dr. John Waddell authors of Succulent Wild Love: Six Poweful Habits For Feeling More Love More Often

About the book: 

A new philosophy of love and relationships for everyone

Relationships do not require compromise or sacrifice
You can create joyful solutions instead

SARK has made a career out of sharing her personal, journal-like writings and art, and inspiring others with her vulnerable and honest journeys toward self-acceptance. She has helped her legions of fans craft lives filled with joy, creativity, and self-love — and she even married herself in a “statement of self-liberation” described in Succulent Wild Woman. And yet SARK had one big secret wish: overcoming her fears to commit to an intimate life partnership. So she embarked on a “Covert Love Operation,” and, after much soul-shaping, it culminated in her meeting psychologist and spiritual teacher Dr. John Waddell — and discovering Succulent Wild Love. They now teach and mentor together using the principles in this book — six powerful habits that can transform any relationship or open you to create the partnership you want.

Over 175 pieces of SARK original art included

About the authors:

SARK (Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy) is a bestselling author, artist, and teacher. She comes from a background of creative expression and inspires others through her teachings in her 16 bestselling books, products, and programs to support empowered living. SARK’s purpose is to be an uplifter, a transformer, and a laser beam of love. She does that through her art, words, and spirit.

For over 30 years, Dr. John Waddell’s work has focused on helping individuals and couples lead happier lives. Whether in his clinical psychology practice or in his teaching of metaphysics, his approach has been to provide concrete tools and practices that help people create the lives they want.

This show was rescheduled from February 24th due to technical difficulties at the station.

My guest this week on Relationships 2.0 is Susan Campbell Ph.D, co-author of Five Minute Relationship Repair: Quickly Heal Upsets, Deepen Intimacy, and Use Differences to Strengthen Love.

About the book:

Long-term happiness in love depends on a couple’s ability to repair the inevitable rifts and differences, large and small, that occur in any relationship. Neuroscience suggests that relationship upsets are best mended quickly, or they accumulate in long-term memory, increase reactive communication, and become harder to repair successfully. And good repair takes five minutes or less! This book offers practical tools and suggested scripts for resolving problems and having your needs met. Following its guidance, you can turn difficulties into opportunities to foster love, trust, and thriving intimacy.

About the author:

Susan Campbell has long worked as a relationship coach and teamwork consultant to Fortune 500 companies and has authored six books.

BrazenWoman.com

What do you do if you need your husband to help carry in the groceries or if you need longer than five minutes of foreplay before sex? Do you speak up and ask for what you want? Or like so many of us, do you just assume that by now, he should know exactly what you need while secretly, you feel resentful?

Yes, now that you are (mostly) happily married, the uncertain days of dating are behind you. But your fantasy about marriage may be colliding with reality, says therapist Michelle Skeen, author of the book LOVE ME, DON’T LEAVE ME: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment & Building Lasting, Loving Relationships. As you’ve probably already figured out, there is no happily ever after unless you put some work into the relationship—starting with developing the healthy communication skill called Need Expression.

What is Need Expression?

A common fantasy about our perfect match is that he will be a mind reader, that he will know what you need without you telling him. Unfortunately, all that assumption will get you is chronic feelings of disappointment. It may seem self-evident, but it bears saying explicitly: The best way to get what you need is to ask for it.

Of course, it’s harder than it sounds, especially if you have a history of putting the needs of others before your own, feeling that you aren’t deserving of having your needs met, or not identifying what your needs truly are. Or maybe the times you have expressed your needs, it hasn’t gone so well. Developing the ability to communicate your needs is trickier than it may appear.

Keep in mind though: Expressing your needs doesn’t always result in your needs being met. What you want to do is eliminate the miscommunication that occurs when you expect your partner to anticipate them. By following these tips, you’ll become a pro at clearly expressing your needs and and you’ll deepen your relationship, all at the same time.

6 STEPS TO COMMUNICATING YOUR NEEDS

1. Identify your need.

This sounds easy but sometimes we just have a feeling that something is missing but we don’t know what. It’s important that you take the time to really think about it so that you can correctly identify it and then be able to communicate exactly what it is.

2. Unpackage the problem.

Is your need in reference or response to a “now” situation? Or is it weighted down by, or packaged with a need, that went unmet for years? How much are you asking for? Is your need “in the moment” and realistic or is it in the past with memories of not getting the care, reassurance, love, or understanding that you longed to receive?

3. Don’t point fingers.

Your need should not blame or assign fault to your partner. Here is a blaming statement: I need you to not act so distant and cold with me when you get home from work. Here is a healthy need expression statement: When we get home after work, can we make some time to reconnect?

Insider Tip: Remember, just using an “I” statement doesn’t mean that it is void of blame, criticism or negativity.

4. Don’t be negative.

Your need should not be pejorative or judgmental. I wish you weren’t so messy will probably lead to a defensive reaction. A statement like, I’d love for us to talk about a way that we can work together to keep our home from being so messy will be received more easily.

5. Be specific.

Make sure that your need request involves something tangible. Turn I need you to be more affectionate into Can you please hold my hand while we watch TV?

6. Keep it real.

Don’t ask for too much at one time. This is a step-by-step process. And, remember to stay present about your needs or you will find yourself in a chronic state of disappointment. No one can compensate for your past unmet needs.

Michelle Skeen, PsyD is a therapist and the author of LOVE ME, DON’T LEAVE ME: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment & Building Lasting, Loving Relationships (New Harbinger, 2014).

Read it on BrazenWoman.com